Trust...

…is a difficult thing. Especially when one has been through bad experiences. I’d love to be the kind of person who never loses faith in people no matter what happens, but I can’t, and that disturbs me.

I hate these thoughts that flood my mind whenever I am interacting with someone. Is the person genuine? Will the person honour my trust? Should I let my guard down with this person?

I remember someone told me a long time ago that I should judge a person based purely on the way the person behaves with me. I should discount all that someone else says about that person, and depend purely on my own experiences. But it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to erase doubt and put my trust in someone. It isn’t easy to convince myself that even when someone seems too good to be true, there’s really nothing wrong with him.

Pujo!!!

It’s that time of the year again. To know what time of the year it is, and why it’s special, you just have to be Bengali, like me. I feel this strange energy inside me. I hear a voice that tells me that for the next 5 days, I will not get more than 4 hours of sleep a day, but I will not feel tired, I will not stop, I will not call it quits till I have lapped up every sight and sound and smell of this magical festival. It’s going to be 5 days of pure madness. Happy Durga Puja everyone!

Can’t win all the time…

…and you don’t need to. Sometimes it’s better to let things go. Even if it means that someone else will think, erroneously, that you are guilty. After all, you can’t change someone else’s mind, can you? You think of yourself as being in the right, so does the other person. Different perspectives, and trying to change it is like someone asking you to find a new way to walk. Just can’t happen.

Today I was accused of being insensitive, because I would not make a sacrifice that I found to be deeply unfair. The very fact that someone would make such a request of me is something that I found to be ridiculous and…what is the word for something that makes the anger bubble up inside you? I am afraid I chose to respond to this request, to make clear my feelings about it, and that led to a nasty exchange, which served no purpose. It changed nothing. The other person thinks I’m an ass, I think the other person is a twit, and we are both where we were before the argument started. So what changed? And why did I need to upset myself over something like this?

It takes a lot of control to not respond. To hold back your anger, to remind yourself that it isn’t worth it. It takes more strength than you know. But it’s important to realize that anger makes us weak. Anger robs us of perspective, of judgment, of our capacity to be fair and kind, and turns us into violent animals, who cause hurt, very often to others, and always to one’s self.

Look at it this way. Why would you let anything, or anyone, who is not really that important, disturb your inner peace? I will have to learn to protect myself, from all these uncontrolled impulses, that bring nothing but bitterness.

More Change

I guess your life and everything related to it changes when you start saying no to certain things. When you start saying no to cigarettes, when you start saying no to alcohol, you suddenly find yourself without friends, because all of them still drink and smoke. I was at a party tonight. I decided not to drink because it’s a weeknight, and I quit smoking in February. So suddenly I’m not part of the whole “Let’s pop out for a smoke” group anymore. And I wasn’t high either, so I wasn’t doing what I usually do when I’m high, which is to profess my love for everyone and generally make a complete fool of myself.

But it’s funny how when one door closes for you, others open. You discover this other world, also populated by people like you, who drink less and don’t smoke at all, and you discover that there are ways of getting along. Instead of popping out for a smoke in between work, read a page or two of a book, or just chat over a coffee, or do something, anything, that refreshes your mind without causing permanent damage. Instead of drinking yourself silly at a party, just have a coke (diet, of course!), and for a change actually pay attention to the music the DJ is playing, or, in my case, have a conversation with a beautiful lady.

As you change, your world changes with you. And you know what? That’s fine by me!

What has changed?

Really. What has changed that has changed me so much? Some things about me have changed so much that I am surprised with myself. I always thought I was the super-cool, “I don’t like crowds”, I hate festivals, I just want to be home no matter what’s happening in the world kinda guy. I’ve spent years being that boy. But of late, that boy seems to be vanishing.

I find myself looking forward to Durga Puja. The year before last, I went out with the whole family, and I hated it. Absolutely hated it. And yet, last year, I went out with friends, and absolutely loved it. I was out entire nights, walking walking walking, clicking photos, eating junk food, I got only about 4 hours of sleep a night for the better part of a week, and yet I wanted more! This year, I’m planning to do about 3 times more roaming around than I did last year. How have I turned into this guy? I wonder, what has changed?

I seem to like shopping for new clothes. I used to hate it. I used to be like, “Oh man, can we get this over with”, and this year I did my Puja shopping in one day, 9 and a half hours of non-stop shopping, and loved it. Where is all this energy coming from?

I remember never being enthusiastic about fireworks for Kali Puja too. I’d prefer to be in my room with my books and music, and yet, look at me now! For 3 years, I have been buying truck-loads of fireworks, rather to the delight of my mother and the entire family has been having a whale of a time!

I wonder what has changed. I wonder who this new guy is, who I am turning in to. I’d like to ask the new guy about his origins some day, coz I rather like this guy.

Safety Net

The sky is a brilliant blue today. The kind of blue that makes me happy. The kind of cloudless blue that makes me smile, and want to fly. I wish there was someone special to share this with. I wish things hadn’t fallen apart. But I am grateful. I have people who will answer every question I ask, who will pick up every time I call, who will reply to every stupid text I send. I may be lonely, but I am not alone.

Heartbreak

It’s hard to let someone go. It’s hard to build your life around someone and then watch her walk away. It’s hard to be self-critical, and constructive and learn from your mistakes when it feels like cutting off your right hand. It’s hard not to yearn. It’s hard not to think “what if”. It’s hard to have perspective, or to remember what made something so right go wrong. It's hard…